WTF Sports: Anger Mismanagement

Isn't he precious?

Twitter is the gift and the curse. It allows sports fans unprecedented access to the athletes they love and the sports reporters and analysts they generally love to hate. Each week during college football season, I am amused (and admittedly, frequently annoyed) by the slew of bitter and sometimes hateful tweets my husband receives for the unthinkable crime of *gasp* picking one team to persevere over another or *gasp* choosing as a 17 year old to play for a hated rival. Don't believe me? Here are some examples from just the last 24 hours:

Ummm thanks for the elegantly stated suggestion, Kayla?

Jimmie, as long as you're not 100% sure, that's enough for him to keep waking up in the morning.

Question: Will he get paid if he skips a week of work? //reviews contract

//still reviewing contract

Yup. 8 years on GameDay. All directly attributable to that lucky rabbit's foot. And Affirmative Action. Also.

He checked. All the other moronic blowhards at the network are on assignment.

Call it a hunch, but I don't think they are looking forward to seeing him in East Lansing this weekend...

Thanks for the gentle reminder to count blessings.

Short, to the point. I like your style, Steve.

Now, lest anyone think I am having my own Ann Romney "Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring." moment, let me be clear that this is a modern epidemic that spreads far beyond Mr. What the Funk? A cursory glance at the twitter mentions of just about anyone who covers our favorite sports will reveal a bevy of mean and a cornucopia of conspiracy. But, don't take my word for it, let's go to the videotape! (shout out to sports broadcasting legend, Warner Wolf):

Nothing more commonly used to insult women covering sports than 'dumb' and 'cunt'. #classytoo

Like our friend Steve up there, Kelly keeps it short, sweet.

Gasp! People Magazine!? No need for such vitriol, Kelly.

Apparently, Kelly spends most of her days spreading around the love to sports reporters on Twitter. #GOGATORS

A 'parody' account should be funny, no?

Let me help you out there, Thou Ratchet One... It's @bomani_jones. You're gonna need that underscore.

In this down economy with so much unemployment, it's nice to see you care, John.

Was there a competition before this was established and more importantly for Traina's sake, was there a prize?

Hey Travis (if that's even your real name), I have it on good authority (Danny Parkins) that Danny Parkins is actually 100% Jewish, so there.

Eloquent. This is also @croche94's Top Tweet of all time so congrats, buddy. Your mom must be proud.

Actually, we're kind of speechless at your audacity, Scott.

Although the sociological study of the way many sports 'fans' choose to engage their 'foes' in the public eye via social media is relatively new, some universal truths have already begun to emerge:

1. If a twitter user still has an egg as their avatar, they are 86.3% more likely to cuss at strangers (science).
2. If a public figure decides to engage the anonymous, offending sports fan, there are generally three options available as a response:  double down on the offending remarks; apologize for the offending remarks; or pretend the offending remarks were actually jokes. ("Dude, I was just kidding! I see money can't buy you a sense of humor, eh?")
3. The desire for attention - and perhaps the lack of hugs they received as children - seem to be motivating factors behind most offensive internet remarks. This can often be proven by the stunning and remarkably quick change of heart that often occurs after a public figure simply replies to an angry fan.
   
   Example:
   Angry Fan: @myfavoritesportspersonality: YOU FUCKIN SUCK!
   Favorite Sports Personality: @angryfan: Why, thank you kindly!
   Angry Fan: @myfavoritesportspersonality: Well, you don't suck as much as I initially thought you sucked. In fact, my ability to determine one's level of suck has been compromised lately. Please disregard. Hey, today is my birthday. Can I get a retweet!?


4. The "I've been blocked by so and so" is worn like a badge of honor.
5. Although 'unfollow' is a neat feature installed by twitter recently, most angry sports fans continue to follow their greatest foes because unfollowing will only make them 93% less efficient at responding to their tweets in the most venomous way possible.
6. Angry tweeters would be less likely to be so critical of sports personalities via social media if sports personalities had the knowledge necessary to criticize them back just as publicly and viciously about their own job performance or appearance. Imagine if Kirk Herbstreit was able to critique in real time how you stock groceries every Saturday morning or if Lisa Salters could give you the side-eye about what you chose to wear to that Monday Night Football viewing party? Not quite as fun anymore, huh?
7. Angry fans are 99.9% less likely to repeat offending remarks to the sports personality on the rare occasion they actually come face to face with them. This is proven and irrefutable.
8. Sports reporters and analysts are 100% biased against your favorite team, 100% of the time. This, too, is proven and irrefutable.
9. The slur "your [sic] gay" or "your [sic] a fag" is considered the highest form of insult one can sling in the twitterverse.
10. The majority of sports fans use their twitter accounts for good instead of evil. Sadly, the percentage of angry tweeters can help ruin the otherwise positive experience for everyone else.

Feel free to share your favorite social media anger mismanagement moments and universal truths below!